When someone intentionally takes a life, we call it murder. When someone intentionally takes their own life, we call it suicide. But what do we call it when the way we treat someone causes them to take their own life? It doesn’t have a name in our legal system but it is a distinct cause of death and it happens in epidemic proportions in the United States, disproportionately affecting LGBT youth.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people ages 10-24 and LGBT youth are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers. These statistics are grim, but one in particular, published in Rolling Stone, that caught my attention was this: LGBT youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGBT peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.
I often wonder, do the parents of these kids feel regret after their son or daughter commits suicide? Do they wish they could have had another chance to better understand their child before it was too late? Many times I’ve asked myself, what if I could help that LGBT teen to reject or reframe the messages they receive the messages their rejecting families transmit about who they are? What if I could create a conversation that could prevent a suicide?
I wrote It’s OK to Be Gay to reach both gay people and the immediate circles surrounding them. To create a bridge between gay people and their immediate families. To dispel myths and provide accurate information about what it means to be gay. I hope to open a wide-ranging discussion from politics to religion and everything in between because so many of the beliefs and objections surrounding homosexuality come from these sensitive topics.
Brené Brown defines the difference between guilt and shame like this: Guilt is “I made a mistake”, shame is “I am a mistake”. Too many LGBT teens are feeling shame. They are not a mistake, but when so many people they count on and look up to, from parents and siblings, to ministers to teachers, tell them they are a mistake by using shaming words like “sick”, “sinful”, “wrong”, or “unnatural”, it can become overwhelming. The love shown these kids is highly conditional. Coming out as gay can trigger love and support to vanish.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few parents who have such negative emotions about homosexuality, they will actually kick their child onto the street over it. Many of these teens are living on the street, with all the danger and uncertainty that entails.
There is a chapter in the book that discusses coming out and one important aspect of that is knowing when not to come out. As much as we all might want to believe that the world is a safe place for gay teens to come out, the reality for many is quite different.
I’m not under the illusion that both sides can be reached in all of these households. There will be instances where the only person I can reach with the book will be the gay person. That’s OK because my primary goal is to prevent suicide. Mending the relationship between the gay person and their loved ones is an important, but secondary goal. If even one life is saved, it will be worth all the effort.
I almost lost someone I love dearly to suicide. I remember the blood leaving my face when I deduced that his last text message to me, “Remember, I always loved you” was written in the past tense and what that meant. I remember the uncontrollable tears as I panicked and tried to book an emergency flight across the country to be by his side in the hospital (he did not succeed but it was very close). I don’t want anyone else to get that call. Ever.
But who am I to write a book like this? While I’ve been interested in psychology most of my life, I have put intense focus into understanding of the topic over the past ten years. I am now a professional life, team, and leadership coach. I put these skills to good use, personally and professionally, every day of my life to help people see their circumstances in new ways. As the number of gay people committing suicide grows larger, I realized that these messages need to get to these people who are feeling hopelessness before it’s too late. As a gay man, I believe I’m the right person to get that message out there. If you agree, please help me get the book into more hands. We’ve got lives to save!
Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have questions that aren’t answered in the book.